有没有曾经痛哭哭到心痛，有

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

当我放下铅笔拿起水笔重新答题的时候，我已经意识到这场战役已经结束了，提前完结，在最后一题的时候，我其实很想写三个字，但想想，还是留白吧。顺其，自然。

已经分不清这是在寻求过程还是寻求结果，无所谓，也许只是对于某个片刻的收获，我亦是无怨无悔，只是多少觉得自己还是可以再多看一些书的。

反正也已经结束了，该怎么走，前面路似乎已经安置好了，或者说也没有过多可以选择的余地，该怎样还是怎样。

无论怎样，我都是由心理准备的。

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

寂寞总是属于一个人的，也是思维的涵养地。脑电波不住的跳动，竭力地排斥着困意，让人无法安睡。凌晨三点半，寂静的夜，不住衬托着某些声效，烟圈在夜色里绕白，渲染着周围的空气。那一刻，我在想如果可以out-of-body experience，做一次灵魂的遨游，或者也是一种解脱和释放。

寂寞，容易让人联想，让人回忆。活在回忆里的男人，在未来中泯灭痛苦。很多回忆，太多的回忆，原本早已沉淀，应该被百年封存的东西，开始历历在目。

寂寞，尽管我享受寂寞，可是我并不在一开始，就喜欢和享受，这种让人不断产生哀念的程序。可是，在每一个重生的过程，我又不断地踩踏着自己的尸体，造就了一个现在的拥有我十分厌恶的一部分的个体。

是我错了么，还是我就这么一直被现实所强奸。我厌恶这个社会，我厌恶这个世界。甚至我讨厌我所在的这个家的东西，甚至我不知道我究竟是为什么而活着。

永远都是人民民主专政，对大部分人的民主，对小部分人的专政。为什么，我永远都是弱小群体的一分子。这是悲哀的绝望，也是绝情的无奈。

不是我不想跨出那一步，只是，我更害怕失去现在所拥有的，尽管，我又欺骗自己，我可以看到比你更遥远的未来。或许，我就是那个霸者芝麻，不要西瓜的傻子。过重的得失心，往往又只是看重，对于即得利益的享受。

我，又何尝是天生的无情。狮子座，偶尔性的一言不发与事不关己，其实，又时刻注意着周围的每一个人。而我，其实，也有过曾经的热情。害怕被看穿，而害怕暴露自己。

偶尔，坐在阳台，回想着某种过去。

曾经的我跪在楼梯口对她说‘我爱你’

曾经的我骑着脚踏车载着她一起逛校园

曾经的我和她一起开心踩着那一年的雪

曾经的我很喜欢在她下班的时候去等她

曾经的我和她在车站肆无忌惮抱头痛哭

曾经的我和她在寒夜里抽着小烟数星星

曾经的我一手抓着她的手一手执方向盘

曾经的我又只想着煮一碗小粥给她来喝

曾经的我一直在空间述说一个人的名字

。。。。。。

你有知道，我有多恨这个社会，当然我也很恨我自己，甚至比你恨我，还要恨我自己。

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

无情，绝情，花心，不负责任， i donot care, i never care.

我走的是一条，我不能回头也并且一错再错，的死胡同。

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

是我没有勇气，一直很没有勇气，一直都是这样，每一次都是这样。

而我也很害怕，害怕没有自我，害怕陷入，害怕再经历哭到心痛的感觉。

是我没有勇气，是我懦弱，是我不负责任，一直是这样，每一次，每一次。

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

我不如去死，可是，我又连死的勇气都没有

回忆为什么会这么痛，这么惨烈

那一刻，我不知道为什么，可是我哭了

我不知道自己在哭什么

也许只是在为自己哭泣

就这样么

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7年，可以足够了么

赎我过去7年的罪业

再见，我的爱恋

我在此刻亲手埋葬

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

如果是陌人，我想我还会对你微笑

如果是朋友，我想我还会对你招呼

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

最后的眼泪，湿灭了烟头，困顿的思念，随烟丝散去。

绝

象山

20090920

20080720
Long Pine, Humi, anger.
Am I right?
Maybe not.
Kangaroo, koala, emu, crocodile, lizard……
So coincidence, we found a naughty kangaroo couple during the day. J
Excuse is excuse.
If you do not love someone any more, let him go.
Otherwise, he will not open heart to others.
It will only do harm to both of you.
Remember.
If you love someone, who does not love you any more, let him go as well.
It is no use to keep such a guy beside with you.
It will only hurt you more.

0721
Today is the first day for the semester.
Both Jerry and Pricia seem to be dying for the difficulties.
Louis and I are still on holiday.
During the day, we two went to the city to hand our CVs.
Unfortunately, it seems on one would like to reply us.
Hopelessness.
Anyway, just wait.
I will find a job.

0722
First, as to be a man, never get lost.
Also, never give up.
Though, never be regretted.
I should move fast now, since I find the feeling similar to high school.
Relationship, Part-time Job, Share House, Law, Language……
Money!!!!!!
Money is not the most important thing in the world.
But, without money, what should you do.
In fact, as to me, enough is enough.
Should be Taoism.

0723
Today, is de facto beginning of the course.
French-English, for the Sea Law.
I like this guy, a little bit funny.
Anyway, still difficult to understand completely.
Though, the stuff is quite familiar with.
Another course, is e-commerce law.
Which has connection with contract, that is something I like.
Haha, but, I have no idea about that, e-commerce.
Yea, it is something related to internet, privacy of individual and business.
I am so tired, of the listening.
It is still hard for me be concentrated for almost 4 hours.
Then, the assessment, 6000 words maximum.
Probably, the most difference of the study between China and here.
Actually, western, is the research stuff during the semester.
Which, is always very complicated and time-waste.
Well, it is kinda new way of study here.
That is my choice, I have to do it, do my most.

0724
It is raining all the day, not heavy, though.
I went to school early and did some learning stuff.
Nothing special.
Only, something, like, someone is going to leave me.
Fuck.
I donot know whether I will be tired or not in this relationship.
But, my way, now, at least.
I donot like to tie someone, and donot like someone tie me as well.
So, why not, go to see him.
Anyway, it looks like I push her out.
Should I?
However, I have no choice.
It is all up to you. Miss.
Leave or not leave.
Maybe in the past, I will choose first.
Now, I cannot.
I am losing you.

0725
I did not cry, at last.
Hehe, what should I do?
Nothing, keep going my life.
Bread and love?
Angry, sad, upset, no confidence.
Cannot sleep, shit.

0726
All right!!!
Thank you, guys.
For staying with the whole day.
How can I appreciate you all?
Thanks, it is my honor to make friend with you guys.
Anyway, I will do what I want to do.
Might, or must, I will get hurt.
But, I donot want to be regretted some days later.
Haha
Thank you, my sister, Angela.
Thank you, big brothers, Jerry, Louis.
Just waiting.
 

Brisbane
20080726

20080713
DFO
Actually, it looks like an open market but with good condition.
Anyway, I bought a lot.
T-shirt, belt, sunglasses.
Money!!!!!! $$$$$$
I invited Pricia to Julie’s house for dinner.
The dinner was not bad, we did eat a lot.
Hehe, fat and happy!?
By the way, am I rich or poor?
Both.
Poor of money but rich of mentality.
Self-confident.

0714
A little bit drop.
I got my username and password at last.
Also I finished my enrolment and election of courses.
So probably I would get my student card tomorrow.
Pricia has not got it, which makes her bother.
But, just try to make her to be calm and comfortable.
The tea offered by BEL faculty was so good.
Should be diet control, Miss.

0715
Korean buffet.
Yummy, I have not seen them for around one year.
Ying will go back to China next week.
Jing will go to Macquarie for another degree.
Qian will stay here for one more month and then back to China.
Today, I did get a lot of information from them.
About job, course, and Brisbane life.
I think I will be fine, I mean I can have a good life here.
To some way, I should support myself a little bit.

0716
We were planning to Long Pine, but the weather was so terrible.
So we had to change our plan again.
It seemed that we always alternated our original plans.
That is the Chinese saying, plan can not catch up with change.
After lunch, we went to cinema to see the movie
Mamamia!!!
Haha, it is a lovely and interesting film.
Musical comedy with many songs.
The ending was also warmed.
The dinner
I am captain!!!
You should not put too much wasabi to sushi, Miss.
Hey, guys, if your girlfriend is crazy with LV, what will you do.

0717
Looking for a bag???
Pricia was going to find a present for Randle.
Pancake, hot & cold dessert.
Louis, was mad.
This Tuesday he bought hand cream for Shan.
Though, he has not given the gift yet.
Today, they were going to see batman.
……good luck, man.
I cannot call him this night.

0718
Dotti? State Library! Libra!
Both State Library and Public Library have good view of Brisbane River!
As I am enjoying the life here, somehow I am also feeling guilty.
What should I do? Too ambitious, but hard to move.
Muffin Break, haha, I completely have no skills.
It must be difficult for me to find a job.
Kitchen hand?
Libra.
In conclusion, I cannot hide myself before them.
Anyway, Kumi is coming tomorrow.
Upset?
If I say I do not worry about it, I am lying.

0719
At last, Kumi has not come today.
Actually tomorrow.
Pricia will go to see him then.
No one will know what will happen.
We have already decided to go to Long Pine tomorrow and eat hotpot again.
Life?
But not so smoothly.
Just wait and see.

Brisbane
20080719

20080706
Since I get the result of IELTS, I feel no stress at all.
I de facto want to be crazy.
Today
We went to city for shopping, three boys ><
Not bad, I bought a jean and a bag.
Anyhow, 150 dollars
Huhu, I need to save money now.
And when I begin my master course I also need to find a job.
Frankly, I want to buy a pair of shoes as well.
But, no style.

I really find you are the one I am waiting for.
Maybe not exactly wait.
However, you are almost matching my requirements of girlfriend.
Probably, wife.
But, we have a deal.
Cherish the present, as long as we can.
One year, to some degree, is enough.
I did think about the future of us.
But, I, myself, just cannot image the date, when I go back to China.

0707
Every ending is a beginning!!!
I love the sentence.
Hehe
New life in Brisbane.
Because of no stress.
We are planning the schedule of this week and next week.
So mad!!!
How can you stop the fire.!!!
Now, I really recognize that I should stay with young girl.
Leo, should be energetic and active.!!!!!!

0708
At lunch time I met Celina, who was used to be my bus-mate.
For a promise, I treated her lunch anyway not expensive, just light one.
The promise is my IELTS!!!
Also, we talked a bit about recent life.
When came to my story, she thought I was crazy and unbelievable.
Hehe, I have no proper reply, just fine.
The lecture was boring, but I met David, who had passed IELTS as well.
Congratulations.
Because of the weather, we cancelled the plan to Chinatown.
For a rush, Pricia and I went to the city to look for the bag, but white one was not good.

0709
Haha, there is nothing too serious.
We went to Chinatown and bought some food for hotpot.
It is a long holiday, no stress, but full of time.
Anyway, it will not be too long, since next week is orientation.

0710
Jerry’s Michelle was so worried about her IELTS result.
The whole afternoon we three were chatting in the union.
Because this afternoon was a kinda tour of the new ICTE building.
Must be boring and useless. WHY NOT HAVE AN ABSENCE.
Louis is probably into Shan now. Actually, it must be difficult.
But, he should try it.
The night, I drank a lot as well.
Beer & hotpot. GOOD!

TIRED!!!!!!

0711
Today is the last day for EAP.
I got the second result of IELTS
6.5 8.5 6.5 6.0---7.0
Haha, even myself is so proud of this.
Anyway, Hong did not pass again.
I did not know how to comfort her, just leave.
I did want to help her, but, the Libra.
Pricia was going out for lunch and BBQ.
Then, I met the girls from SIFT to take photos.
After the chat, I went back home directly.
However, I told myself I need to find a job quickly.
I need money.!!!!!!
English course has finished at last.
What is next?

0712
We changed our plan again.
From go-co to Chinatown for yum-cha.
Hehe, should I repeat my sentence.
I feel I am now living in the heaven.
What a life!
But I really do not know how long it will last.
Probably, one year, somehow it is enough for me.
I am not so greedy since long time ago.
Admittedly, I do not lose my ambition and spirit.
Just do it.

Brisbane
20080712

20080629
传说中的yum cha

0630
没有人可以百分百过雅思

0701
只在乎和对方在一起的感觉
何必在乎爱多爱少
能在一起便已经是幸福
何必奢求长久

0702
生日快乐！Jerry
第一次觉得自己那么幸运，那么开心
也许是自己太相信星座了，曾经
这次
遇到了那么多火向星座的人
大家都那么凑巧地聚在一起
生活，就是这样！！！
而我，又止不住与Priｃia的火花
随着去了么？？？

0703
爱，是挂在嘴边用来哄女朋友的甜言蜜语么
爱，是刹那间的小宇宙无法遏制的大爆发么
～～～

一生，只想爱一次
找到那个人，平平淡淡地活下去
～～～

然而，又一次次地堕落花心罪恶
也许又是自己一直太多情了吧
对不起WQH，对不起Cynthia，对不起Ly，对不起Zzj
在爱情的道路上
我究竟在追求什么
～～～

明天我会拿到雅思成绩
呵呵，何去何从
～～～

两个星期
却好像过了很久

0704
突然觉得自己是最幸福的人
虽然有一丝罪恶感
但
心中喜悦却无法收敛
终于过了雅思
又交了Pricia

原来心中一直都留着这样的空白
其实在一次次与人相处的过程中
不断对自己的理想情人进行更正

却不曾遇见
于是
自以为一切可以将就

可是，又因为太爱自己
其实不曾爱过别人，尤其在随后的几年里
～～～

是爱么

0705
下雨～～～
在Jerry家吃饭
饭后
三个男人在小房间里讨论星座，居然
哈哈

逗！！！

原来
我真的开始了新的生活
回想过去的一年

“寄人篱下”

原来
我真的走出来了
只是也做了很多对不起人的事
一万遍的对不起也不大用

可是
请原谅我的年轻，好么
谢谢
～～～

最近都没有去上网
空了再贴
起码，我是给自己总结每一天

Brisbane

20080705

20080622
Peaceful morning.
As far as you cannot regulate yourself, you are losing your own mind.
Though, the IELTS became the past, I cannot feel at ease.
Waiting for an uncertain result is really a provoking process.
At least I am not in a dilemma.
Today, I push myself to a purple situation, which I am not sure it is good or not.
Purple, to some extent, a color I like most.

0623
Maybe I am crazy.
Anyhow, I know what I am doing and what I am going to do.
But, I have no idea with the future.
Actually, I am now back to what I used to be, just do it now.
To some degree, it will be fine.
Only because I used to think a lot of uselessness and even may not happen.
Today, I booked another seat for IELTS on this Saturday.

0624-0628
Rush
又报了一次雅思，因为上周感觉自己听力很是问题
在这一星期不到的时间里，我只能狂补听力机经
听力两旧两新，机经片面地帮助了我的答题
总体比上周好一些，但不会好多少，实力就这些
虽然感觉自己能过，但是没有拿到成绩，终究不可妄下定论
 

我想，我出格了，有些
虽然克制了一些，但还是放纵了自己，最后
花心，从来不否认也不承认自己花心，只是随它去了
（尽管有近两至三年的空白期，但也是自己过得最洒脱的时候
然而在最后的那段时间里，却也是信心殆尽的时候）
从某种角度来说，我的确害人非浅，但又总是不收敛自己
自己是以自己的方式去对待别人，然而在别人眼里自己的行为却“过”了
于是总给自己找借口，自己会是很好的朋友，但却不是个好的男朋友
 

还在上海的时候，朱曾经说过，类似的话，两个不合的人为什么还要在一起
不明白当时是怎么想的，也许一直觉得自己是落魄的凤凰
尽管那段时间也一直被照顾，可，终究明白，一旦灰烬便归尘
每天都躺在床上想未来，每天也都过着最平庸凡俗的生活
几乎以为自己就这么过了~~~
 

（只身来到陌生的国度，站在忙碌的街道，不禁叹道
没有人认识我，没有人知晓我的过去，一切都将重新开始）
 

当决定燃烧的那一刻，也意味着再次灰烬的可能
早已千疮百孔，何必在乎这一次
可并不觉得是爱，只是待她如自己
一样的“花心”，一样的“没有耐心”
没有将来的现在！！！
也不知道能烧多久~~~可是却又不在乎

当发现自己的心态突然回到过去
激动，却又紧张
 

原来人生，真的是不断否定自己的过程
有时还会回到原来的地方
“爱在当下”
 

没有过去没有未来
是谁陪我走在当下
 

布里斯班
20080628

20080615
Peaceful day again.
In the morning, we welcomed a Korea boy who will stay here for three weeks.
However, he almost cannot speak English, which really makes me a headache.
As well as me, the boy slept a lot during the day after long trip.
So, he ignored my lunch-cooking.
Julie has been out at the daytime to purchase an outfit for next weekend’s ball.
She came back around three o’clock which made me to be free.
Then, I jumped out for the fresh air outside and the tasty time in the supermarket.
Hehe 

0616
Sadly sad.
Two weeks ago, several classmates had their IELTS test.
Last Friday, they got the results.
In the morning, when I went into the classroom, I felt something sour.
Only one girl passed the test, I mean only one person in my class gets 6.5 overall.
$^%$#&*(^%$$($@$%$
While I was feeling so nervous, I could not sit on my seat anymore.
How……If……
During the lunch time, Cleo said she would go back to Taiwan.
……
Mr. Olive said he might also go back to Saudi Arabia.
And Salah>…
What a fucking day. IELTS sucks.
How can I deal with myself?
Whatever, how mature I am.
I feel so nervous.
……Sleep tight.

0617
Today, tired.
I am so stupid!!!!!!
Maybe, I will lose a friend.
Or, even not so close.
~~~o, no, I forgot to change the limited right. Badly.
Anyhow, I can accept anything or lose anything, unless I can pass the test.
Anything, I do not want or I want, except of 6.5 overall, 6 in writing section.
Today, is, another fucking day.

0618

Morning, I found the result of Dutch group.
So funny, France is kicked out. So pity.
Hong is still sad with her last time’s result. Me, too.
I mean she looks so gloomy but she also needs to do the test this Saturday.
How can she deal with that in such a fucking situation?
In fact, I ,myself ,have no time to worry about others.
My time is coming.
I hope I can, no 100% confident.
I hope the grey time will pass.

0619
……

0620
……
This morning Netherlands vs. Russia
I do not know the result.
……
Good luck for me.
Good luck for everyone.

0621
……
听力难，其他自我感觉良好，发挥正常。
但要看结果，我经常感觉太好，结果不好。
……又是等待
犹豫要不要争取下一次。
没有百分百的信心。
 

Brisbane

20080622